Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
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