did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
