I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
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Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
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Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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