When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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