i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
