Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
