i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
