You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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