No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Randomize
