i permit you to call me
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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