I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
