Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My feet surprised me
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