So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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