she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
