Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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