you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
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Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
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I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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