I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize