If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
