so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
