this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
