We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
