No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
