and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
