Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
