i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I want a musical about memes.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
