So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
