You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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