bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
