I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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