the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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