gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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