So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
