I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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