I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
