i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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