If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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