I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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