don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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