Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
If its not for food we ain't going out.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Randomize
