Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
