Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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