my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
