My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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