I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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