you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
