My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
