she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
