tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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