hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
