you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
