I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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