have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
