im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
