i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
