Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
