I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
